Separation challenges a systematic belief. When we walk into a marriage we tend to see ourselves growing old together. We come to believe this is how life should be. We try to do everything in our power to prove to ourselves that we made the right choice. We arrive at this foundational belief of: “till death due us part”. Therefore, even when we find ourselves unhappy for years, we still keep going. We keep working on it. We keep trying. Continue reading “Accepting the Impermanence of Life”
Separation and divorce brings a sense of loss with itself. The loss may not necessarily be a bad thing, but it definitely changes the dynamic of our life. As human beings we easily get used to things. Change is not easy to accept. We are creatures of habit. Waking up at a certain time everyday. Buying our coffee from the same coffee shop. Going to the same hairdresser for years. We all get comfortable with our own routines and rituals in life. We become accustom to them and start identifying ourselves with those routines. The activities become habits; which gradually translate to who we are, or at least who we think we are. Continue reading “Accepting The Loss”
It was January of 2015 when I took my level two meditation. This was another weekend retreat. The level is called “Birth of A Warrior”, an interesting name for this level. That weekend was an emotionally painful experience for me. Later when I was asked by other meditators of what I thought about that level, I recall saying “it was deliciously painful.” (I would repeat that level first opportunity I find as I learned so much about myself through the experience of that weekend)
We never walk into a marriage thinking that we are going to get a divorce one day. Thus, when we find ourselves in the path of separation, the sense of failure is right there with us. We find ourselves responsible for not being able to work things out. The critical mind becomes louder and louder. We start going back to the memory lane. Checking every corner of the past, finding our own flaws and many times our partner’s shortcomings. And right there with the critical mind, shame is sitting to stop us from further embarrassment and humiliation. So we stop ourselves from sharing and owning up our story.
After being married for almost 19 years, with two children, and nearly ten years of marriage counseling we have decided to get a divorce. I knew on my part that I had given all I had and didn’t leave any room for regrets. It was time to let go of all that no longer served me. He suggested, I agreed, and we got separated. And at first it was amicable. Although, I have heard from others that it won’t stay like this, my optimistic attitude wanted to believe otherwise. Of course, I was proven wrong. We decided on April 18th of 2014, he moved out May 3rd and filed for a divorce on June 10th. One year later, I found myself still in the middle of divorce, attorneys, custody evaluation and lots more. Continue reading “How it All Started”
I was getting ready to post about my past, about how it all started, “my journey into meditation and divorce” as my next entry. I had it all written down and was planning to release it on Monday January 29th. However, the impermanence of life had other plans in store for me that day. A tragic incident stopped me on my tracks. Changes were coming. I could viscerally feel a shift in my core. Sharing with you all seemed natural before moving on to my story.
On Saturday January 27th, a young boy in my daughter’s grade committed suicide. This didn’t seem to fit the suicide profile of what we sadly witness in situations such as this. To him, in his own mind, this was an act of bravery. After having read the three letters that he carefully drafted and left behind addressing the school, parents, family and friends; we as a community realized that part of his plea was to bring change to a flawed school system, something that had become unbearable for him. Continue reading “The Fragility of Impermanence”