A knock on my door

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On the day that you were born, you began to            die. Do not waste a single moment more!”             Dilgo Khyntse Rinpoche
There was a knock on my door. It was late evening in September. It was only a few hours since I was back from dropping off my son at his college. I was sitting in my living room thinking how my life had unfolded. There was a peaceful feeling in that, but one never knows what the next moment could carry with itself. I was not expecting anyone, so with some hesitation I opened the door. A stranger was standing there with a big stack of papers in his hand. He asked if my name was correct on the papers that he was holding. “I had just been served”.

It is hard to describe how I felt in that moment. Every part of my divorce was recently finalized, almost a year ago. What now? My heart was pounding as I started to read the papers. I was in utter disbelief as I realized that I was called to go to court again.
I was only beginning to feel that we could move forward towards a more amicable relationship. A few days before I sent my son off to college, I had reached out to my ex and had offered to sit down together with the kids. I wanted to explain to them how we were going to be there to support them and also explain our expectations of them. Since our divorce process was over, and the past was behind us; I thought we could put our differences aside, and show up for our children in a different light. He seemed agreeable about this approach; I became hopeful but then papers were served to me right before our plan to meet.
You may wonder, why I was being summoned to appear in court?! I am being summoned to court in order to show whether I had been trying to get a job to support myself or not. That is the short version of the stack of papers I had received.
You may ask what have I been doing since my divorce? Everything and nothing at the same time. I had decided to embark on the journey of personal growth. Part of this process was to deepen my understanding of how I got to where I am. So I decided to go through therapy and also expanded on my meditation practice. I also got involved in nonprofit organizations. I felt privileged and blessed and wanted to find my way back to workforce by giving back. I have been volunteering for two different organizations. One of them is to help with less privileged families and one with my meditation group. Besides these two, I also started writing a blog, but didn’t make it too public due to different personal reasons. It was more of a healing process.
But I realized none of these were going to lead me to the road of independence. And there will not be much to show to the judge about my resume and job applications. So I wondered what else I can do!! Should I just get a job with no purpose? How can I show what I have been doing on my court day. I knew I love writing and helping others. So here I go, I have decided to share my story here more publicly and hoping to help others with their own life journey.
In my future posts, I will share with you my journey through separation and divorce.  How I dealt with different emotions during this difficult time; from loneliness to confusion, uncertainty, embarrassment and more.

 

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