When I dropped The Shame and Accepted the Pain

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“Let go of who you are supposed to be and embrace who you are.” Berne Brown

We never walk into a marriage thinking that we are going to get a divorce one day. Thus, when we find ourselves in the path of separation, the sense of failure is right there with us. We find ourselves responsible for not being able to work things out. The critical mind becomes louder and louder. We start going back to the memory lane. Checking every corner of the past, finding our own flaws and many times our partner’s shortcomings. And right there with the critical mind, shame is sitting to stop us from further embarrassment and humiliation. So we stop ourselves from sharing and owning up our story.

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How it All Started

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“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing. Love is knowing I am everything. And between the two my life moves.” Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

After being married for almost 19 years, with two children, and nearly ten years of marriage counseling we have decided to get a divorce. I knew on my part that I had given all I had and didn’t leave any room for regrets. It was time to let go of all that no longer served me. He suggested, I agreed, and we got separated. And at first it was amicable. Although, I have heard from others that it won’t stay like this, my optimistic attitude wanted to believe otherwise. Of course, I was proven wrong. We decided on April 18th of 2014, he moved out May 3rd and filed for a divorce on June 10th. One year later, I found myself still in the middle of divorce, attorneys, custody evaluation and lots more. Continue reading “How it All Started”

The Fragility of Impermanence

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“Our life’s work is to use what we have been given to wake up.” Pema Chodron

I was getting ready to post about my past, about how it all started, “my journey into meditation and divorce” as my next entry. I had it all written down and was planning to release it on Monday January 29th. However, the impermanence of life had other plans in store for me that day. A tragic incident stopped me on my tracks. Changes were coming. I could viscerally feel a shift in my core. Sharing with you all seemed natural before moving on to my story.

On Saturday January 27th, a young boy in my daughter’s grade committed suicide. This didn’t seem to fit the suicide profile of what we sadly witness in situations such as this. To him, in his own mind, this was an act of bravery. After having read the three letters that he carefully drafted and left behind addressing the school, parents, family and friends; we as a community realized that part of his plea was to bring change to a flawed school system, something that had become unbearable for him. Continue reading “The Fragility of Impermanence”

A knock on my door

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On the day that you were born, you began to            die. Do not waste a single moment more!”             Dilgo Khyntse Rinpoche
There was a knock on my door. It was late evening in September. It was only a few hours since I was back from dropping off my son at his college. I was sitting in my living room thinking how my life had unfolded. There was a peaceful feeling in that, but one never knows what the next moment could carry with itself. I was not expecting anyone, so with some hesitation I opened the door. A stranger was standing there with a big stack of papers in his hand. He asked if my name was correct on the papers that he was holding. “I had just been served”.

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